Here we go again!

THAT CRAZY I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING THERE THOUGHT

There was this thought, you see.  A thought that wriggled around for months until it finally landed and I was able to see it for what it was.  A dream, for sure.  It sounded a bit ridiculous in the beginning as it was still niggling around not quite believing it was there.  And it didn’t want to let go.  No matter how much I tried to shove it to the back of mind… it was still there, living and breathing and forming a life of its own. 

I’m not quite sure why I let it fester for so long.  Fear was certainly at the forefront.  Fear of dreaming the impossible.  Fear for dreaming up insanity.  Fear for what people would think. Gasp!  And then suddenly those fears started to shrink and eventually evaporate into thin air.  Suddenly I could breathe and it felt so fresh, so alive and so powerful… and I knew in those winter months we were on to something.  Something that could be big.  Something that could be exactly what we were meant to do.

The research began involving letters, emails, walking up to strangers’ doorsteps and talking to trusted friends in the area to make discreet inquiries on our behalf.  After months of searching, we finally had our answer, as if it had been waiting there for us all along. 

THE WHY

If there is one thing I have learned about life over the years, it has been the realization that life is a journey.  Constantly learning and growing and shifting and pivoting to places I could never dream of.  I’m so grateful these types of decisions are being thrown at us now that I’m older and wiser and all that.  I have found that in maturing and learning from our journey along the way, it’s okay to admit to mistakes. 

You may remember that just a few short years ago, my husband and I made a life-changing decision to move back to my husbands’ hometown.  We did it for so many reasons (see blog entitled, When one door closes).  However, at that time as we were leaving the suburbs behind and moving to the “country”, ironically enough, 4-H and livestock wasn’t even a passing thought.  We looked for houses in the school district we desired to no avail.  We looked for land, both via realtor and for sale by owner.  Eventually we came across a lot in a country subdivision that seemed to check all the boxes. We took a leap of faith and went for it, without too much second thought or further consideration.

I don’t regret that decision.  Not one bit.  Even though that decision was a mistake for us, we learned from it.  We had never built a house before, and we learned from it.  We opened up our world to possibilities these past two years, and we learned from it.  We introduced the kids to 4-H and livestock and we learned from it.

So, with all that said… wait for it, wait for it…. We are moving again!  Say what? I am so at peace with our decision that it is no longer an afterthought.  It’s for real and it feels so good.  We’re not moving far.  About 3 miles to be exact.  And why, you may be asking?  Many reasons actually, but the main reason is that we have found property with fewer deed restrictions, including the ability to have livestock.

WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK???

There was a time when I would have been so worried about what people might think.  Thank the Lord, that is no longer the case.  This may sound crazy to some… and that’s perfectly okay.  For our family, it makes perfect sense.  If you read my last blog entry entitled, “I Heart Something” this will make a lot more sense. 

There is something to be said about feeling settled and not feeling settled.  Even though we only moved into our house about a year and half ago, I never quite got that settled feeling.  Probably due to the niggling thoughts that turned out to be much more significant that I originally believed.  There is also something to be said about listening to your gut.  I’m such a big believer in that.  For the longest time, my gut was telling me something wasn’t quite right.  Then came avoidance.  Then came denial.  Then came, “Julie, you are straight up crazy to even be considering moving away from the dream home you just built. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.”  Then came our first 4-H meetings and the adoption of sheep.  Then came the fair in the form of pure magic.  And that’s when I knew.  I wasn’t crazy.  It was okay to dream.  It was okay to start anew.  It was okay to think of all the possibilities. 

THE SEARCH

So, after months and months of researching we finally had our answers. We knew we had to get it right this time so we took our time and made sure to weigh out all the pros and cons.  We’re big list people. It’s amazing how a pro/con list can give perspective.  However, our months of searching for houses with land and searching for land to build a house on where we could have livestock was full of dead ends.  It was literally like trying to find a needle in a haystack.  The ever elusive land opportunities in our part of the world made making a dream happen nearly impossible.  A lot of “no’s” came our way.  Yet, we still continued the search. 

It's all very strange, actually.  We weren’t even looking to move to another subdivision, but rather searching for small lots of acreage along country roads within our current school district.  Then we drove through another neighborhood that had chickens and goats and the like and we realized that livestock were allowed back in this neighborhood.  We got really excited, then realized…. not so fast.  You see, in this neighborhood, it was originally developed several years ago.  The original deed restrictions allowed for livestock.  Then another developer came in a few years later and put in pages and pages of deed restrictions on the neighborhood, including NO livestock.  Noooooooo!  We were so close!

KEEPING THE DREAM ALIVE

And it goes to show, never give up.  When you want something bad enough, you keep trying.  Well, after more research, we figured out that about 10 lots were grandfathered into the original deed restrictions. Nine out of those 10 lots already had houses built on them and none for sale.  And then finally, there it was.  The last lot that was grandfathered into the original deed restrictions that included the approval of livestock.  Approval. Of. Livestock.  With big neon flashing letters.  Somewhere the angels were singing that magical chorus.  Dare we hope that this lot could be sold?  We reached out and by the grace of God, found out that this last lot was bought several years ago and the owner was indeed looking to sell.  Again, with the hallelujah chorus.  And it sounds so pretty.

So much has happened over the past few months.  We got approval from the bank and our house plans are complete.  The kids are excited for what’s to come.  The house will be built over the next 8 months and we will be building a barn next fall to accommodate future 4-H projects.  Dreams really do come true.  And yes, that’s super cheesy.  I know this. But man, when it happens, and it such a way that you know it’s meant to be… that’s something to behold.

At the new lot on closing day, 10.23.18

At the new lot on closing day, 10.23.18

Final drawings of the new house

We will soon be saying good-bye to this house, sometime in late spring/early summer 2019.

I Heart Something

 FINDING JOY

Growing up, I had a lot of passions in life.  I couldn’t just choose a few things, I loved it all.  Sports, singing, dancing, reading… and the list goes on and on.  I found basketball at the age of 3 and I committed by heart and soul to the sport for years to come.  The game brought me such happiness.  No matter what was going on in my life, and let me tell you, my childhood was the definition of dysfunctional… basketball was there for me, through thick and thin.  When I walked onto the court, everything else just fell away.  Whether I was getting ready for a basketball practice, camp or game… the elation I felt before walking out onto the court was indescribable.  It was my escape, sure, but it filled my head, heart and hands with pure joy.

I lead with that story simply as a way to convey what I know to be true.  When you find something that brings you such joy, it can be in a word – life-changing.   All those years ago when I found out I was pregnant and having a boy, my brain went straight to how much fun it would be to raise a son, and sports was just a natural fantasy to my vision.  Oh, how naïve and assuming I was back then. 

Fast-forward ten years and my vision of raising a son has evolved and matured and led me to places I could never dream of.  Raising a boy and girl has given me insight to the striking differences there are between two children.  On one hand, my daughter has many passions – sports, singing, dancing – hmmm, I guess she gets it honestly. All of which give her a true happiness. What a reward to watch and catch glimpses of pure bliss on her face while out on the soccer field or on a stage.

My son, on the other hand, has had so many health challenges thrown his way.  It has been hard to find his “thing”… that thing that fills his heart with joy.  Around the age of 5, Brady tried soccer.  After two line-drives to his g-tube and enduring an immense amount of pain, it was safe to say his soccer days were over.  Next we tried baseball.  He enjoyed the game while it was still coach-pitch, but he wanted nothing to do with kid pitch for fear of getting hit.  Pick and choose your battles, I told myself.  If he was uncomfortable, coupled with whishy-washy feelings on playing the sport, it was time to hang up the baseball bat and glove and move on. 

Soccer days

Last season of soccer

T-ball days

Coach-pitch days

The more activities we tried, the more frustrating it became to see Brady not loving something.  I so badly wanted him to experience a love for something like I did in my youth.  He hasn’t been that motivated to try new things, but all that changed in the summer of 2017 when we went out to the county fair to visit the livestock barns.  As we went through each barn, Brady was fascinated by what he saw. Cows and goats and pigs and horses!  But it was the sheep that spoke to him the most and a seed was firmly planted.  A seed that would come to life when open houses were announced to join 4-H the following winter. 

I’m not exactly sure why or how – but something told me that we needed to pursue this idea of 4-H with the potential of raising sheep for the fair.  I have to think it was a total God thing.  Plain and simple.  There were so many obstacles that could have gotten in our way.  Lack of knowledge and insecurities of diving into something completely foreign -- to finding a place to board the sheep (our neighborhood has strict deed restrictions regarding livestock).  So many things running through my head – yet I didn’t let a one of ‘em detour me from finding out more.

We went to a 4-H club open house in January and were quickly overcome by the kindness shown by all of the advisors and families.  We felt so welcomed and even though we had no idea what we were doing, I knew deep down the club members around us wouldn’t let us fail or falter. Going off gut instinct, we went full steam ahead and moved forward with buying sheep.  We were able to find a kind farmer down the road who was willing and able to let us board our sheep in his barn… and suddenly the impossible became possible.

BECOMING A SHEPHERD

On April 8, we bought 2 lambs.  Brady being a huge history buff and Star Wars fan, aptly named the sheep, “Abe Lincoln” and “Yoda”.  From the very start, Brady absolutely loved having sheep.  Finally!  That thing that brought him joy!  He never complained about driving over to the farm twice a day to feed the lambs.  

At the sheep sale, April 8, 2018

April 8, 2018

Our first month as sheep owners didn’t go by without a hitch though.  The unseasonably cold spring weather was tough on the young livestock.  Almost 4 weeks after bringing the lambs to their new home, “Yoda” died, most likely from pneumonia.  In a word, it was devastating on our young shepherd.  Brady has never really had to experience death or grief.  The day "Yoda" died, we sat down with Brady and told him the news. He cried and cried ... and my heart broke for him. 

The sheep breeder we bought our lambs off of could not have been more supportive through the whole process, despite the breeders’ son going through his own medical health crisis.  We adopted “Yoda 2.0” the very day “Yoda” died to help with the transition.  Although Brady was sad, he surprised me with how adept he was with handling his own grief while moving forward and onward.  We ended up adopting one more sheep that day that our daughter named, “Eileen”.  So, now we had 3 sheep to take care of and Brady was ecstatic.

Reading to the lambs in the first few weeks

Reading to the lambs in the first few weeks

Walking the lambs in early spring

Walking the lambs in early summer

Walking the lambs in early summer

The weeks went by fast.  I wondered if the honeymoon phase would wear off eventually.  I thought Brady would start begrudging the daily trips to feed and walk the lambs.  That never happened. In fact, Brady showed so much maturity and responsibility through the entire process that it took me by such delighted surprise by how much this kid was getting out of his 4-H project.  The days became much warmer, yet the motivation to feed and walk never wavered. It was in those days leading up to the fair that it hit me – we were on to something special. 

Getting lessons from his mentor on how to show market lambs at the fair

Getting lessons on how to show market lambs at the fair

Getting lessons on how to show market lambs at the fair

THE GIFT

Finally, fair time was here!  So much hard work and anticipation for fair week and finally the time had come!  We moved our sheep in on a Saturday and it was a complete whirlwind. The very next day was show day and Brady could not have been more excited to go out into the arena.  After watching his sister at countless games and events, it was his turn to shine in this brave new world.

Move-in day at the fair

Move-in day at the fair
Brady with Mr. Roger (the farmer who boarded our sheep)

Move-in day at the fair
Brady and Sydney with Mr. Roger (the farmer who boarded our sheep)

What happened on that Sunday was magical.  I was overcome with so much emotion as I watched my son flourish and shine in a way that I never thought could be possible.  In the arena, it didn’t matter that he was a kid suffering from a rare disease.  It didn’t matter that he had a feeding tube that has held him back in so many ways.  It didn’t matter he was small for his age.  No, in this arena, Brady could be Brady.  And the crowd embraced that.  He smiled. And smiled. And smiled.  He fell down a few times. Yet, he smiled.  THIS!  This moment was the moment I had been waiting for for 10 long years. The moment when my son could experience such joy in happiness in an arena where he was accepted and encouraged and loved. 

So many things have not been easy for Brady.  But this?  It just did.  Something came alive last week that I’m going to hold on to for years to come.  Keeping an open mind and being brave and curious are just a few lessons I have learned through our 4-H experience.  We could have easily said that going the livestock route had too many obstacles.  And if we had, I shudder to think on all the moments my son would have missed.  

And that’s just it.  My son had a moment last week at the fair.  It’s hard to explain everything this kid has already gotten out of this 4-H club, after only being a member for 7 short months.  This experience has reminded me there is nothing Brady can’t do when he puts his mind to something.  Brady has gained confidence and made new friends and has found something that he can truly make his own.  What a win!  And although Brady didn’t bring home a coveted blue ribbon, he placed high in all of his shows.  What a confidence-builder that was!  And he is already hungry for next year and can’t wait until the sheep sale next April to do this all over again.

Show Day

Show Day

Show Day

Show Day

Show Day

Show Day

Show Day, being congratulated by his mentor, Kaleb

Show ribbons

Skillathon Day

Sale Day

FINDING OUR TRIBE

I know Brady has learned so many lessons this past week… What it means to work hard for something.  What it means to help a fellow neighbor/club member out.  What it means to love and nurture an animal and how to say that emotional good-bye at the end.  He learned what it means to encourage others.  What it means to be accepted by others.  What it means to have people in your corner.  And perhaps, most importantly, what it feels like when you have finally found your tribe. 

This 4-H experience has done just that.  We have found our tribe.  It’s amazing what happens when you find yourself surrounded by family and new-found friends that give acceptance. Show understanding. And provide support.  It does so much for the soul.  I know my heart is full.

To our newfound tribe, a thank you doesn’t seem enough.  I can’t find the right words for the gratitude I feel with the gifts you have given our family.  It’s almost as if I have experienced an awakening and a genuine hopefulness that I didn’t even know was missing. 

For now, our family will relish in the finding of our tribe and their gift of love as we anticipate the coming of another year in 4-H.

4‑H Pledge

I pledge my head to clearer thinking,

My heart to greater loyalty,

My hands to larger service,

and my health to better living,

for my club, my community, my country, and my world.

Let your light shine, my boy.  Let your light shine.